I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
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