Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
