Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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