just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I can't turn off my feet"
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
