If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
