I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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