You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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