Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
