fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
