i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
