she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Randomize