Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
