I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
