Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Farmville is her only friend.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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