I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
i believe in u and ur pee
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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