She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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