dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
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