Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
my nose is crying tears of wow.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
