I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
