All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Me. At least after what I've been through.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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