the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
