I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I have tasted many bathrooms
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize