I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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