the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
