gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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