Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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