i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
