I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
