I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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