I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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