Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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