Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
