do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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