there were more penises there than on chat roulette
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
