and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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