those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
