The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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