I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
