I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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