plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
