i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
