I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
My hand turned me down
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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