Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
