God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
