just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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