its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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