Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
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