I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
He felt like a one man threesome
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Randomize
