we're blogging at a bar
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
