If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Randomize