you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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