He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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