i jhust puked up my retainher.
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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