Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
