Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize