weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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