Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
