ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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