god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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